
When I was in K-12 school, I had a hard time making friends. Between having to learn how to understand social cues, to navigating a new physical disability in high school, I have lost a lot of friends before finding my group of people. This week, I want to share 7 things that I wish my peers new during that process. I hope this can create some empathy for others in a similar position as me.
1. I want to hang out with you, but managing medical appointments are really time consuming. When I was in high school, I lost some friends because I just didn't have the availability that other kids did. Once I got put on a half day schedule this was easier to navigate, but I felt lonely while watching other kids join activities when I needed to be at physical therapy or the chiropractor. I struggled to find a community at school because I had extra obligations, and it took me a while to find a friend group outside of a club or sport.
2. I want to respect your boundaries, but I am not understanding what you are asking for. As a kid, I would have people try to create distance from me. I had one person who told me they wanted to limit contact with me, so we should only talk every three days. I did not understand this was a cue to not continue to be friends, so I took out a calendar and marked the days I could talk to this person. Needless to say, the friendship did not work out. I appreciate clear and direct boundaries, so I can understand what is being asked of me.
3. Just because you have a fun hobby, does not make that activity accessible. I had a person in high school insist on doing athletic activities together like gymnastics, hiking, and walking. The friendship eventually fell through in part because I could not keep up with those activities. I tried to suggest activities that were more accessible for me at that time, but ultimately our hobbies were too different. Now, I try to make it clear in a polite way to potential new friends that there are things I cannot do due to my disability.
4. It is hurtful to only be invited to something for the benefits of a necessary accommodation. I once was only invited to Magic Mountain because being in a wheelchair let you skip the line. However, I wanted to try to walk as much as I could to maintain my leg strength, so even if I wanted to go, I didn't want to use a wheelchair the whole time. I felt used and unimportant because the invitation was framed around the wheelchair pass, not me. I ultimately decided not to go to Magic Mountain, because I was not close enough with the people who invited me to sort out other accommodations such as parking and coordinating wheelchair accessible bathrooms around the park. Also, I don't like large roller coasters so it was a pretty easy no for me.
5. Having an experience that is both common and rare can be really lonely, and creates challenges in meeting people and maintaining friendships. The disabled community is the largest minority group in America (Invisible Disabilities Association, 2011). However, each medical condition is unique, and each person has their own individual experience with navigating symptoms. Sometimes, it is hard for me to relate to other people in the disabled community depending on the topic being discussed due to differences in medical conditions and experiences. Other times, it is hard for me to relate to non disabled, aka able bodied, people because I have to be mindful about my health in unique and time consuming ways. I want to be candid about how that loneliness impacts making friends because I think it is important to have mental health discussions surrounding health management.
6. Just because I have a lot of stuff going on, does not mean that I don't want to be a good friend. I have had people assume I didn't have time for them, which resulted in the friendship distancing. I want the autonomy to set my own boundaries of how much I can handle. I recommend having direct conversations about managing time with someone who is navigating health concerns, so that then each person has the ability to state their wants and boundaries. For me, these types of conversations have strengthened my friendships and allowed us to grow closer.
7. Sometimes, I have to cancel plans because I don't feel well, but it is not an unspoken social cue of distancing the friendship. I have had times where I either need to change the activity, or ask to reschedule the plans because I am tired or in pain. However, I am extremely direct, and try to communicate if I do not think the friendship is working for me. I have found that the easiest way to cancel while still showing interest is to suggest an accessible activity at a day and time that works for you. This way, I am honoring my pain while also showing effort in hanging out.
Thank you for reading, and I hope this gave you some insight in how having a disability can impact making and keeping friends. If you have any questions or comments, please message me on @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook! See you next week!
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