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Disability and Self Image- Hair

Writer's picture: Annie KrollAnnie Kroll

Annie with short hair and a mask in a medical building

When I was a kid, I loved changing my hair. I would grow it out long, just to get bored and cut it. Then I would decide to grow it out after I got bored of that. However, once I got to middle school, long hair started symbolizing my health. I had long hair up until my hospitalization, and I grew my hair back out after 2016 as I started to improve my health. Hair was always something that I could control and change to fit how I wanted others to view me. This brings us to modern day, within the last couple of years. This week, I want to share my hair journey as I have gotten some new health information, and how that has impacted my confidence.

 

Annie with long hair

I loved my long hair (and the new tattoo I had just gotten that day). Maybe unfairly, I was lucky in that my hair was long and wavy in a way that was very low effort. All I needed to do fair hair maintenance was wash it. However, I was having some shower standing issues at the time so I decided I wanted to cut my hair to save some of my energy for more interesting things. This change has made a huge difference in my energy after taking a shower, but it did come at the expense of changing how I wanted to appear to others. I feel the most confident when I am able to appear feminine with my hair, face, and body, and then wear a wide range of clothes. This long hair made my ideal athleisure style effortless because I could still look feminine without needing to do anything to my face. When I had to admit to myself that I was not taking good care of my hair, I was worried about how I would be perceived by others and about how I would be able maintain my style.


 


Annie with mid length hair and a hat


When I cut my hair, I was relieved that it still looked feminine. I loved how much time I didn’t need to spend in the shower washing my hair. This cut at points has gotten shorter, but it has always been a bob. The title picture shows some of the in between length. I will be honest here, and say that while I liked it, I did start to mourn my old hair. I felt controlled by my body in a way that I was not expecting. At this point in my life, I was hoping that my hereditary spastic paraplegia was something that was “in remission” or not affecting me with the amount of walking and management I was doing. However, it doesn’t quite work like that and I had to learn that standing in the shower for long periods of time is probably something I will not be able to do.

Within the last two years, I got some additional health news that has resulted in me not being able to use any scented products in the shower. This change could be permanent, so I have been very limited on what products I can buy or use. I had to completely switch out my holy grail hair product: high quality shampoo. The one shampoo I can use has sulfate in it, which I think is contributing to the awful hair feeling. In addition, the fact that my hair is still semi-long means that showering is a pain. I never thought I would do this, because I personally want to be perceived as feminine, but I cut my hair again.


 



Annie with short hair inside of a car

Now I cut my hair to where it is now last week. The back is even shorter, but I got the front to still be flippy. As nervous as I was, I am glad that I tried something new. I don't know if I would have cut my hair if I didn't need to. Changing my hair when I was in K-12 was really fun for me, but I had become confident with the long hair as it grew out during college and the end of high school. I have battled with some resentment with my body on this hair journey, because I felt like I wasn't in 100% control of how I wanted to present myself. It was important for me to do research to find ways that I could still feel like me while also trying to use less spoons. Due to my disability, I adapt a lot of my presentation to my disability. I can't wear clothes that feel itchy, I can only buy shoes that are comfortable for my feet, and now I include my hair in that list. I definitely need to learn how to style this new cut, because it is different than what I have had in the past, but I am definitely coming around to shorter hair. If you see me in real life, please also share in the hair love journey as I'm still a little fragile about the change.

 

Thank you for reading about how disability and self image have impacted my hair journey. If you have any questions or comments, reach out at @Anniekrollblog over on Instagram or Facebook. I hope to see you next week!

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