Empathy and Autism- I Have Empathy But It Might Look Different

When I was in my late teen years, I was having a conversation with my mom about how I really relied on teachers at school who had been through breast cancer to help me process my mom's experience with breast cancer when I was in middle school. Luckily, she has been in remission for many years now. I remember her reaction, which still is hard for me to hear: "I didn't know you were worried." I realized in that moment that my empathy sometimes looks different. I care deeply about other people, but others might not be able to tell. This week, I want to discuss autism and empathy, as well as how I demonstrate my care.

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I am not always the most tactful. A few months ago, I had a friend who was sick. Most people in our group chat responded with the typical "Get well soon" messages one typically receives when someone is sick. Without putting too much thought into it, I said something along the lines of "Ew, you are gross now." In my head, this is true. If you are sick, I imagine a giant walking germ ball that I need to escape from so I don't get sick. And if I am sick, I think of myself as a ball of germs, and I hope to soon have them out of my system. However, I probably didn't need to tell my friend that I thought she was gross while sick.

But I still cared about my friend feeling better. I have some natural remedies I'd like to share, such as flu bombs and other antiviral remedies to help your body heal (please note that this is not medical advice, as I am not a doctor). I might discuss how I got sick too, and share my experience with illness to start a conversation. I like to check in on my friends when they don't feel well because I want people to check in on me when I am sick or in a flare-up, and I have felt isolated in the past. However, I don't always share that care in a way that is deemed empathetic in neurotypical communication.

Bringing it back to the story with my mom's cancer, she didn't know I was worried because I wasn't able to show that at home due to my mental health at the time. But if you asked any of my middle school teachers or friends at the time, I was constantly worried about her and talking about it. I often feel empathy, but I don't always express it in the ways people expect. This has led to a misunderstanding about my experience with autism and empathy. I want to share some facts about autism and empathy below.

1: Autistic people are affected by the double empathy problem, which states that autistic people display empathy, but do so in ways that are different than neurotypical people (Reframing autism, n.d.). For example, I often try to relate to people by reflecting on experiences I have gone through. Some might see this as self-centered, while I am trying to find a connection. This creates an empathy divide, where my display of empathy is not viewed as empathetic by the person receiving my empathy. While others might have a plethora of backup plans to demonstrate empathy, I don't.

2: Autism and empathy vary amongst individuals (National Autism Society, 2024). By continuing the narrative that autism inherently means that there will automatically be lower cases of empathy, autistic people can be misdiagnosed or assumed to have behavioral problems instead of displaying empathy in ways society is not expecting, such as a meltdown or other reaction. It is important to remember that every autistic person's experience is different. For me, I feel empathy but don't always express that empathy with the tact that is expected of neurotypical people in society, even when I am trying my best.

3: Autistic people can have hyper empathy, which means they can feel for others so intensely it causes overwhelm (Shaley et al., 2022). I can't watch movies with scenes where the characters do something embarrassing or awkward, because I feel it to the point of becoming overwhelmed, anxious, and uncomfortable. I feel for the characters even if I can't always express that care in a way that neurotypical people expect. To that end, I don't watch too many movies or TV shows, and skip scenes if it gets too awkward.

It is important to me that people know that autistic people can and do feel empathy on a regular basis. I care deeply, am a good friend and partner, and regularly show up for the people who need me. I also can struggle to relate to certain topics, and not always say the right thing in the moment due to my misunderstanding of social cues. Many autistic people have empathy, but it might show up differently than your neurotypical neighbor.

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Thank you for reading about autism and empathy from my perspective. This is another topic that is vulnerable for me, but also really important to address. If you have any questions or comments, please comment on the blog, reach out at @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook, or email me at Anniekrollblog@gmail.com. I hope to see you next week!