I'm Disabled And..... Thoughts on Health, Imposter Syndrome, and Disability

Over the past 8 months, I have been drastically changing my health. I work out regularly, stick pretty strictly to a diet, am making changes to my mental health, and have multiple hobbies I have been sticking to. As a result, I have been facing imposter syndrome with my disability identity and my relationship with my HSP, Crohn's, and my body. This week, I want to talk about my motto "I'm disabled and....", my relationship with my disability identity, and how I have been merging the two.

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For most of my life, after I was diagnosed with HSP, my goal was to get to a point where I could be pain-free and be mostly independent in terms of access needs. I measured my success by what I could do despite having HSP. I then used my experiences to frame my advocacy efforts and push for better accessibility in public spaces. Now, I have days where I forget I have access needs. I can walk up stairs without putting both feet on the same stair. I can run. I can stand for longer periods of time before needing a chair. While I look at these things as "success" for what I want my body to be able to do, I have been facing large imposter syndrome as a disabled person. Can I claim to have a physical disability if I am now able to do all of these things? Will I forget what it was like to be a wheelchair user as more time passes since the last time I used one?

I then flip to my relationship with Crohn's. I am not symptom-free yet. I think about it all the time. I sometimes have to adjust my running because it can be hard on my gut health. I have to check food labels all the time. I get so irritated at how much I need to focus on it, and at how many unknowns there are for treatment and for my specific needs. The irony is I was in this same position 10 years ago with HSP. While with HSP, I feel like an imposter; I am working through so much resentment with the Crohn's management. That duality leads me to my current motto: "I'm disabled, and...."

I'm disabled, and I am athletic. I'm disabled, and I have different relationships with different disabilities. I'm disabled, and I'm more than my disabilities. I'm disabled, and a good advocate. I'm disabled and overwhelmed with the management I do sometimes. I'm disabled, and resentful that my body can't function "typically". I'm disabled and grateful for how much my body has allowed me to do. I'm disabled and a good partner, friend, and family member. I'm disabled and imperfect. I'm disabled and.

The beauty of this is I'm trying to reframe the box I unintentionally put myself into as an advocate. I don't need to fear having more movement and fewer flare-ups, because my disability identity doesn't just evaporate. I can also hold space for my different relationships with each of my disabilities. Hopefully, as I continue this work, I can start to shift my relationship with my disability identity as part of who I am, but also an identity that is ever-changing as I change. My worth as an advocate comes from more than my access needs. And for anyone reading, I am currently trying to hold space for two truths: My disability identity is valid, and my disability identity is one of many neutral descriptors of myself.

Thank you for reading about my relationship with my disabilities, health, and new motto.  If you have any questions or comments, please comment on the blog, reach out at @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook, or email me at Anniekrollblog@gmail.com. I hope to see you next week!