
For one of my classes, I have an assignment later in the semester where I have to write a poem about code-switching. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, code-switching is defined by the Oxford Dictionary (n.d.) as the act of switching between two or more languages. However, this term also has cultural significance in communities where certain behavior needs to be altered outside of that community. In cases like this, code-switching has adopted an idea about switching back and forth between different identities. For this poem, I put a spin on it and shared about code-switching from the perspective of someone with a disability:
Code-switching with autism
Is less about language inequality
And more about what I do and don’t say
Because there isn’t a place to say it
Most people expect
That if they say how are you
That I will reply, “Good,”
And then ask them, they will say good, and we will move on
I don’t get it
Half the time, I am not good
I am either lively, full of information and excitement
That I want to share desperately
The other half, I am also not good
I am sad, angry, hurt, or full of despair
I know I will need to fake it for others
But I can barely get through the interaction
Don’t even get me started on larger engagements
Like group settings, dinners, classes, and more
Code-switching is then trying to read the room
To anticipate what I should and shouldn’t say
I also code-switch with topics.
For I have learned I am not supposed to change those.
I am frequently filing through folders of subjects
To avoid topic domination
While I have learned what to say and how to say it
These skills came at the expense of being told not to say what I wanted to say
The battle between giving my autism space and following neurotypical expectations
And if I am silent for very long, it means I have given up
Chronic pain also has code-switching.
Because different disabilities have their own culture
For me, code-switching is showing up
Not because I can, but because I must
Whether it be for work, school, friends, or family
The threat of losing money, points, friends, or respect
Means my code-switching is suffering through pain and miming interactions
Instead of taking care of myself and my health
I have to fight for days off
It’s expected that I can work through it
If I don’t want to be labeled as a problem
It feels like I have to do it
I technically have services.
But just like coordinating scheduling with an interpreter
I have to hope all the pieces will be there
And pray to a god I don’t believe in that my advocacy is enough
When I find a community of other disabled people
It suddenly becomes easier to let life happen
The internal code-switching becomes less exhausting
But it never completely goes away
I suddenly have a place to infodump
Which means giving a lot of information about one narrow topic
Or cancel if I need to
Without getting the labels, I risk with nondisabled people
Codeswitching, for me, is less about words or what I wear
Which I greatly acknowledge is a privilege
But it is about what I say and how I show up
Because I want to fit in and succeed, and that’s how I’ve been told to care
I think about how there is an expectation on myself and other disabled people to be able to power through and make it work. Sometimes, I find this burden to be unfair. This week, for example, I felt unwell from some supplements and took longer to rest. I got lucky that I did a large part of my work for the week early so that I could rest stress-free. However, the privilege of taking breaks and having flexible due dates is not inherent in the school system. I have to meet twice a year with a disability services counselor to beg professors to allow me to have two late assignments and two excused absences. Professors can counter and fight these requests if they so choose. Oftentimes, I get these accommodations, but I have to work hard to orchestrate them and maintain constant communication when I use them. My hope is that disabled people will have to work less hard to prove that we are disabled enough when we don't feel well and have systems in place that inherently support us instead of fighting to support us. Disability is not inherent in the school and work systems but rather on the sidelines as something to consider and accommodate.
Thank you for reading about code-switching in the disabled community. If you have any questions or comments, please comment on the blog, reach out at @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook, or email me at Anniekrollblog@gmail.com. I hope to see you next week!
What a wonderful post! I think I know the assignment! (and the assignee ;-) ). Everyone code-switches. You are correct, code-switching goes beyond language but also includes the degrees to which many of us may feel comfortable in certain settings, which has implications for how we exist in the world. Also, I think the fact that you are rasing awarenes of what it is like to have (in)visible disabiilties is really important. You dscribe the stress of keeping up a façade for the benefit of others most poingantly. I can relate. Well done, Annie. Thank you.
You are the bravest, most insightful person I know. I can only imagine the stress you must have navigating a system that is not made for you. The only thing I can think of to say is that my heart is with you and I love your sprit and that you never get so down that you cannot pick yourself up again. Bravo dear girl.