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Dating With A Disability

Writer's picture: Annie KrollAnnie Kroll
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With the popularity of shows like Love On The Spectrum, and my research analyzing autism portrayals in media, dating is a topic that comes up semi-frequently. This week, I want to share my experience on dating with a disability from both an autism lens, and a physical disability lens.

 

Physical Disability

One of the biggest struggles I had with newly dating was when to tell the person I had an invisible physical disability that could impact activities. In the beginning, I would not share on a first date because I was afraid of rejection. While I technically was not rejected, I did find myself hiking up sand dunes and going on dates with hikes that were more difficult than I showed. Then I would not enjoy the date and not go out for a second. I actually have a story about this with my current partner. When we first met, I told him that my disability wasn't that big of a deal, and he wouldn't really notice that. I only said anything because I have a tattoo for my hereditary spastic paraplegia ribbon. Side note: when you get tattoos, be prepared for people to be curious! Now, we have been together for over 3 years and we both know that was not the case. But I was not honest, which was not fair to either of us. Unfortunately, I do not have a perfect solution for what to say or when to share. My closest thing to advice is to first share what is necessary for your safety. Then, once more trust is built, to share what you feel comfortable with both to further the relationship and to establish healthy communication. In my experience, disability has a place in a relationship, but is not the main star.


Having a physical disability in a long term relationship can also pose challenges. There are certain tasks I struggle to do, such as driving and walking long distances. If you want me to drive a long time, I cannot walk very far. Similarly, if you want me to walk all day, I cannot drive for very long. Sometimes, I am not able to do my fair share of tasks to help with things like dinner because there are times I am in pain and need to just lay down. It isn't fair to me to expect me to fight through my pain, but it also isn't fair to suddenly put that on another person without conversations and compromise. Personally, I have found that it is easier to have conversations about disability once a relationship is established, maybe after a year of dating. For example, sometimes I eat ready to go meals like healthy meat sticks, nuts, and fruit, or microwavable pho bowls and other times my partner and I try to cook something together with us both doing what we can. In my experience, the best way for me to go about navigating it is to be honest about where I am at, even daily because it changes. This honestly allows for the most information when making decisions.


 

Autism

Autism and dating poses different challenges. The first main challenge is I cannot tell when people are flirting with me. It is really hard for me to tell if someone likes me, or if we are just friends. This can be a challenge while trying to date, and already dating someone. I usually would eventually try to ask, but even though I need that clarification I still find those conversations awkward. On a similar note, I need conversations about most steps in a relationship. I started officially dating in my current relationship two weeks after meeting because I needed to know what was happening. Ambiguity in the dating process is hard for me, because I often do not know what is expected of me. I tend to come across as blunt as a result of trying to orient myself, which at times can be hurtful. It is not my intention to be hurtful, but not having a natural thoughts filter has its downfall both in general and while dating. Autism can also affect certain dating activities. I have a really hard time pretending to be interested in conversations I am not enjoying, and I have a hard time eating certain food. So, I have a hard time sitting through movie dates where the movie is not a comedy or Disney, and I have a hard time being flexible with restaurant choices. This makes planning dates, no matter for a first date or a 112th date, challenging at times.


Disclosing autism while dating is different than disclosing a physical disability. Autism can be easier to hide for me when necessary. Also, I have been many people's first experience with autism, If I am not the first person they met with autism, I am the first person they have talked to for an extended time with autism. Due to the fact that I am often in that situation, I come across stereotypes and judgment from things like media portrayals and misunderstanding. I have had assumptions that I am less intelligent, unable to make emotional connections, and otherwise weird in some way. I guard my autism diagnosis a little more closely because I am afraid of that judgement. While I talk about my physical disability fairly quickly into starting to date someone, I hold off on talking about my autism diagnosis until either I start to meet friends and family, or I can sense a miscommunication is occurring where I am out of my depth. Like with most of the topics on this blog post, I do not have a perfect solution of when it is the best time to disclose.


Lastly, I want to talk about shows like Love On the Spectrum. Portraying disabled people dating is fairly new, as there are some stereotypes that disabled people in general are not interested in dating. I think it is great that we are shining a light on the fact that many people do want that type of connection and companionship. However, I want to clarify two points. My first point is that autistic people can date people both with and without autism just like neurotypical people can date either neurotypical and neurodivergent people. My second point is that autism can look very different across the spectrum, so dating can look very different across the spectrum. My experience might resonate with some people with autism, but it probably will not resonate with everyone and that is okay.

 

Thank you for reading about my experience with dating with a disability, and the nuances of navigating dating with different disabilities. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to message me in the questions tab, or reach out at @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook. Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you next week!

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