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Perfectionism- How I am Coping with Self Esteem After Finals

Writer's picture: Annie KrollAnnie Kroll
Cartoon notebook and pencil


Now that I am in my master's program, school is getting more challenging, the feedback is getting more detailed, and the work is less busy work. I love school, but struggle with putting pressure on myself to do well. This week, I want to talk about how I manage my mental health when receiving feedback on projects I am passionate about.


 

When I was in school, one of the ways I tried to cope with losing my ability to walk reliably was to put all of my energy into my brain. I focused all my energy on school, creating unrealistic standards to prove myself. To this end, I have not had a B or a manageable destressing routine since 2018. As I have put more pressure on myself to do well in school, my self-esteem has drastically lowered. This leads me to this week: I believe it is looking like I will get an A in both of my classes, but I missed points on my final. I took this personally because I worked hard on my assignment and am passionate about writing. I want professional feedback, but it would be hard for me if someone came and graded this blog. In my vulnerability, it feels like missing points means I am failing, not learning.


Now, I am only one-quarter of the way through this program and am considering possible further education, so I know I will need some skills to improve my mental health. I am going to give five pieces of advice I am going to try to bring with me to my next semester that can hopefully be helpful in other settings like work, etc.


 

1: Have multiple identities or characteristics you are proud of about yourself.

I have previously mentioned this idea, and I almost thought it was foolproof until I got feedback on something I think I am good at. I am learning that feedback is the best way to grow; you can't improve without it. However, it also doesn't feel good to have the work you created be criticized. One way that helps me not to get so caught up in not doing well in something is to focus on something that went well. For example, while I ended up not liking the paper I wrote, I had a speaking engagement go much better than expected. That experience felt rewarding and allowed me to use my best skills. Focusing on the balance helps me feel less like a failure because I am not failing at everything.


2: Have hobbies that are just hobbies.

I am trying to find things that I enjoy, that I am not necessarily super skilled in, that I can also enjoy without competition. I play pickleball with my family and am far from an athletic champion. However, I have to be mindful of pickleball because sometimes I feel insecure that my disability limits my ability to have the athletic prowess I see others have. While it is fun, I can't play pickleball when I am feeling insecure because it brings out those insecurities. On the flip side, walking and playing Pokemon Go, playing Animal Crossing, writing poetry, and deal-hunting are hobbies that I enjoy for me in a noncompetitive way. When I am feeling insecure, I have been trying to find ways to reduce my anxiety so that it does not have negative physical and emotional effects on my body.


3: Get out your feelings.

I believe that all feelings are valid (how we verbalize these feelings is different). Once I have a feeling, I have to do something with it, or I feel worse. If you are reading this blog, then you are part of my process of sorting through a lot of feelings about my identity as a disabled person. I get a lot of feelings out by writing them down, but I have heard of people running, screaming into a pillow, walking, dancing, playing music, or any other outlet that is kind to your body and not disruptive to others. Once, I had the opportunity to get some feelings out by making miniature rockets, and I cannot legally recommend that option. Whatever the activity, having a fun way to let the feelings out has helped me distance myself from the intensity and return to it feeling a little bit more ready to find my next steps.


4: Talk about it

When I felt sad about my paper grade and my ability to write, I talked to someone about it. When I was able to talk about it, I felt supported and understood. If someone is vulnerable with you, I recommend listening and offering support instead of trying to provide motivation. Oftentimes, if I am already feeling anxious about doing well, the extra pressure feels impossible to achieve. I have found that when I feel safe to fall, I feel empowered to reach for my goals because I have faith it will work out.


5: Consider Support

One of the best ways I have been able to address these issues is through therapy. I am nowhere near perfect, but having someone to listen, offer suggestions, and call me out in a way that works for me with autism has been extremely important in helping me address my perfectionism. Support can look a lot of different ways, including some of the other advice in this blog. I hope by talking about it, it can be easier to recognize when something is stemming from a case of perfectionism.


 

While receiving criticism or professional advice can be challenging, addressing criticism is important for growth. Being afraid to make a mistake can result in a failed learning opportunity and impact mental health. I have referenced this topic in blogs before, but I hope this more detailed topic is as helpful to you as it has been for me. I am still actively working on this and hope that by sharing the tools I use now, I can relate to someone else.


Thank you for reading about perfectionism and disability. If you have any questions or comments, please comment on the blog, reach out at @Anniekrollblog on Instagram or Facebook, or email me at Anniekrollblog@gmail.com.

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